The Nest Is Never Empty
Tips for Parenting Your Adult Children

The Right to Let Go

“It is not apparent when you become a parent that you’ll be a parent all your life.  But you will!”  However, our role changes significantly when our children reach 18.  By almost all social standards they become adults (responsible for themselves) at that point.

So, as we continue to focus on the rights of parents, we must realize that we have a right to “let go” of some things.  The first is decision making.  We do not have to be a participant in making day-to-day decisions unless we are asked.  And even when they do ask, we want them to make their own decision.  If we make it, and they don’t like it, or it fails, then they resent us and don’t learn from the process.

Secondly, give them responsibility.  They need to not only make their own decisions, but also live with the consequences.  Praise is due when they make a good decision.  If they make a poor decision, we can sympathize, but not rescue.  They have to live with the consequences.

After college my daughter, Lori, and her husband Jonathan, moved from Missouri to Colorado where she could teach in order to pay off her student load.  After some time, it became clear that Jonathon wanted to return to the University of Missouri to pursue his Masters degree.  This meant they would have to pay off the loan themselves.  I gave advice, when asked, but they decided what they would do.  It turned out to be a great decision, but had it flopped, they would have been responsible, not me.

Finally, when our children are grown they need the freedom to make mistakes and learn and recover from them.  This can be painful for us, but when we reflect on our own lives we have to admit that’s how we became responsible adults, too.  Recently, Jonathan accepted a position at his alma mater, the University of Missouri.  It seemed ideal, but it did not work out at all.  After a year of unhappiness he resigned and they returned to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota.

Many parents of adult children have a hard time letting go, for they fear their children will fail or the parent needs to feel they are playing a significant role in their children’s lives, but this does not promote responsible adulthood.

Remember the goal of parenting grown children is to produce properly independent, self-reliant adults.  Our primary role is to counsel when asked and let our kids make the decisions for their lives.

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